Sitting here in my office workstation pretending to be busy with work - I am fuming.
I can't help feeling extremely agitated and frustrated!
I get so angry with my life - it makes me so freaking mad!
I can't believe people can be so conniving to get ahead at work.
Know what, a co-worker just stole my deal right under my nose and the funny thing is the whole department knows all about it!
And when I raised the issue everybody indirectly blamed me for it.
I should have kept my mouth shut because I just knew they would take her side. Like they always do!
Still I can't feel anything but be suffocated with my throat all constricted.
I don't feel like doing anything, I just can't wait to go home.
It's on days like this that I feel like my life is a total waste.
I have always tried awfully hard to be kind and nice to my colleagues, yet my feelings and actions have never been reciprocated.
Sometimes I ask myself is something really wrong with me or is it because of a certain way I look that people hate me so!
Trying to be good and look good in the eyes of others is sometimes really meaningless. I need to quit being such a people pleaser.
Self-destruction seems inviting. Unknowingly it kind of seems a bit exciting.
But heck no! I don't want to go for an angry puff not when I have quit smoking for good!
And I am wise enough now, not to call up some dude to burn some dope with me.
No way not anymore! I have learned long ago that it only makes me feel crappy afterwards.
But still I can't help feeling like crap. Is it because of the place I work in? Or would things change if I found a new job?
Well to be very honest, switching jobs ain't going to be easy. Am talking from bad experience.
During times like these it just makes me wonder; will I be ever be able to carve out a more meaningful and happier life? Or will my life will always be like this - a complete downer?
The clock strikes I leave on the dot.
Once I reached home I thought of going out for a jog - it always lifted my mood but it started raining - bummer!!
Flopped down on the sofa I kept on scrolling, scrolling, scrolling my phone, looking for anything that might help me deviate my super foul mood.
Nothing interesting here really! Sometimes the social media posts are full of nothing but baloney!
Snacks and Tv is my last resort from boredom.
So I texted my BFF instead. She didn't respond. That's so like her when I needed her. I tried her home phone and her Mum spoke. She said my BFF had gone out to the mall.
Her mother who worked as a Top Executive in a prominent business establishment - you know them real understanding ladies - she asked me if I was ok.
Maybe she sensed my pent up anger and soon we started off chatting!
I told her how angry I had been a while ago and she just listened to me without being judgmental or pausing me at mid-sentence to blame me or preach me like most people I know would do!
Just letting it all out and being listened to - I felt kind of good.
"Thank you Mrs. J for the chat - am feeling better already" I didn't want to take up all her precious time whining. "You must be busy with dinner - do tell Sarah I called!"
She said in a calm tone "It's ok dear I'm rather free this evening besides I'm tending over my slow-cooked Chicken". She is a mean cook I tell you. She continued " Did Sarah tell you that lately I have been life coaching my subordinates?"
Maybe Sarah did blab something of that sort but I wasn't sure. "Hmmmmm that sounds cool" I said. She said "Well it's part of my job as the leader of my team!"
With a great big sigh I blurted out "Well I wish I could work with a leader like you but right now my work sucks - really BIG TIME!"
I told her all about what my colleague did and how people treat me at work. She really empathized with how I was feeling.
She told me that being angry is a natural emotion and whosoever may have said it - it does not come from hell and neither is it a bad emotion!
She also explained that it's an everyday thing for all of us to feel angry over someone or something. So there’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling angry.
"What really matters most is how you can come to terms with your anger." she paused "you know what I mean right?"
I found that my nose had crinkled up a bit since I had a hunch this conversation just might be going south - was she trying to blame me?
I mean was she telling me to sit pretty and count flowers whenever I get mad? All I could say was "How in the...I mean how is that even possible!!!"
She laughed a bit and said "I know it's no easy feat in a fit of rage to bite your tongue" she paused to sigh "what more - sometimes it's almost impossible to think rationally."
She carried on "When I was young I never thought or believed that anger when managed and channeled properly can be constructive in many a situations."
"I was a rather fiery girl myself who had almost always mishandled my anger" she added solemnly "Unfortunately it had always taken a nasty turn ending things up in regret."
I was thinking to myself should I excuse myself and hang up. I mean it kind of sounds like a bit of a preaching session where I might get blamed in the end. Or was it?
Before I could utter something she added "What works for me might not work for you!" she paused "For me at least now, it's best to walk away from such situations before I bark something really hurtful."
"Dear can you hold on a sec - I need to flip the chicken" she called out.
"Oh! Ok!" was all I said.
Listening to the chicken sizzling on the other end made my tummy rumble but I felt a knot of unease growing in my stomach or was it just hunger? I don't know.
While I waited I was thinking about what she said last. I mean coming from a mother it's kind of strange. To think of it, I never really gave much thought about how my mother dealt with her emotions. What I mean is most of the time we all take our mothers' for granted. Don't we?
I sometimes do tend to forget that once Mom was a little girl too, with rude manners and all. Mostly we forget that our mother's are human - even if they try desperately hard to be our guardians and superheroes most of the time!
I 'm remembering the oh-so-many instances where I saw my frustrated mother closing the bathroom door - her only sanctuary of peace inside the house. And the selfish, annoying and screaming little me invading her privacy by banging on the door or bothering her with the never ending series of silly questions.
We do think we are entitled to a lot of things from our mothers but we are so not used to care about their feelings and emotions.
Come to think of it, it's been ages since I called Mom or returned her calls.
I was kind of tearing up now.
While I was in a bout of guilt tripping myself I heard her say "Dear! Are you there?"
"Yes, yes I was listening - tell me more - it's really very relatable and interesting!"
"Well!" she heaved after sitting down "When you get mad it's always best to find somewhere you can sit alone - where you can tame the demon inside of you". She chuckled and said "Who knows maybe anger does come from hell after all!"
She confided "I try to calm myself down by taking deep breaths" I could hear her inhaling deeply. She carried on in a yogi-guru kind of voice "I start with massaging my temples-eyebrows-face" was she getting carried away I bet she was massaging for real.
"Come on dear do it with me - give it a try it will clear your head!" she instructed.
"Relax your mind and soul. Breathe deep, deeper while it fills you up, your whole chest. Just hold it there for a moment - now exhale through your mouth to release all that stress and tension. Repeat it 2 more times".
I followed her. Like she said it did calm my nerves a bit.
She explained "Being calm helps your mind find focus - it helps you find solutions instead of overreacting and fighting with you problems".
I asked her "But how could calmness help in dealing with challenging people and situations at work?"
She said "You should know that there are things in this life that are beyond your control. And when you do try to control these opposing forces they will do nothing but drain you".
"So true" I thought.
She explained "With time and wisdom you will soon learn that it's best to let go of such people and circumstances". She said in a quiet voice "You got to believe that there is nothing you can do to change them and it's not your job to do that even!"
She whispered "Remember this carefully dear - you will keep on facing the same demons in different bodies until you learn what life needs to teach you".
I was silently listening and almost memorizing all that she was telling me. I found her words of wisdom really profound.
"As you carry on healing with your calmness you will realize the importance of keeping your feelings and emotions protected more privately". She carried on "Keep your contact with such persons at a professional level only - set boundaries and make sure you don't allow nobody to trespass them".
"Are you clear on this!" she must have mistaken me for one of her subordinates.
I wanted to say Aye' Aye' Captain! But all I said was "Yes I am Mrs. J".
"Once you have learned to harness a certain level of calmness your mind and body will become more attuned and sensitive to recognizing dark energy and people". She added "Especially those who do not resonate with your current state of calmness, intelligence and inner strength".
"So dear, I better get going now and I know you will work everything out like the bright girl I know you to be" she said.
"Thank you so much for your time Mrs.J - it was really very kind of you and I will keep on doing all that you have enlightened me with" I said bye and hung up.
Right after that I called to check up on my Mom.
I did follow Mrs. J's advice. I worked hard on trying to set certain rules for myself and those around me.
Day by day I could feel my life change for the better. Believe me, it will bring you positive gifts to congratulate you for the great work you do on becoming the best version of yourself.
With calmness at your core it won't be long before you start to attract the right kind of energy, people and good luck that is truly meant for you.
Until next time!
Loads of hugs from one warrior to another