This life of mine.

This life of mine.

I don't know if this is the right way to live but I live it anyway.

To be married and staying married for years is a hard job to keep - I do it anyways.

Having children with someone whom you have a hard time trusting because you get treated bad and not appreciated can be a hard feat to handle - still I carry on with it.

Feeling used most of the time is not a good feeling to live by - no it's not easy. Even so I need to live this life of mine because my children means the world to me. 

I cry at night for the injustices done to me by my spouse - I pray things to change, for me to be independent and courageous enough to leave all this and to take my children to a happier and safer place.

Come morning and nothing changes - it's the same old world for me with it's crooked ways. Sigh! I feel so powerless because I can't change a thing about my sad life.

And when they all have left for school and work, I'm left alone. I carry on with house errands while I listen to old songs from my early 20s. I think about all the good times that I had with my then friends - how all our lives had changed. 

I do meet some of them and never seen some of them ever since but I do remember all the laughter and fun.

When I meet some of them they tell me how great their lives are - I really wish well for everybody but I can also see through their smiles and some of them would tell me the next time we meet about all the awful things happening in their lives.

It makes me sad and I do try to help them in any way I could and most of the time they just want to let it off their chests.

So you must be thinking do I share my problems with them? Well, I wouldn't bother anybody with my sorrows, no, I mean everybody has got trouble in their lives already, so I don't want to burden anyone.

I have to live with this pain because I chose this life myself and I know that I have to bear all the consequences myself. 

I will carry on with this life for the sake of my children as long as I can. I don't need another man to take my troubles away - finding another man was never the right solution, for most women I know.

I have to believe that life will be full of ups and downs - good days and bad days - happy days and sad days! I just have to carry on and see what tomorrow brings, life is not a great mystery to be solved - it's something that needs to be experienced.

I need to forget about true love, soul mates and happily ever after's - this life of mine was what was given to me and I need to be brave and strong enough to deal with it.

To face daily challenges, to shape my married life at least from my end but most importantly to help my children lead a healthy, happy and constructive life. 

So here I am leaving aside my heart, to let my head rule over me so that I can deal with everyday life challenges. 

Wish me luck. 

 

 

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