These thoughts keep flitting in my head. I'm trying really hard to will it all away.
I keep remembering all the harsh words spoken between us and the countless sleepless days and nights.
It was always the same problem.
He would always be out of work and then the booze would start and that's when he gets aggressive and goes out of control and breaks and beats the hell out of all of us.
Somebody would get hurt and he would be sorry and stay sober not even for a day.
It's always the same story over and over again.
He is homeless now and that doesn't bother my conscience at all.
He promised at court that he would not bother me and my kids ever again. I have kept my side of the oath and never bothered him.
I just don't want him calling again to just say hello or sorry. He is free to call the kids, on certain days, but I guess they just don't like hearing his voice, the pain he caused us is too real.
And I don't know how many times during the past 2 months that I've texted him telling not to call me. God knows how I have tried by playing civil, nice, diplomatic and sometimes even downright nasty!
Nothing seems to work. He is just so hell-bent on ruining me because he believes I ruined his life.
I know I need to focus on my work. Plus there's plenty on my hands and my boss has been acting kind of irate and impatient all day.
I can't stay here and dread and pity over my regrets and burdens. There are bills to be paid and my kids to be taken care of.
I do have to get home early to take my daughter, Emma, to her drama rehearsal. And on my way home, I need to pick up my son, Liam, from his basketball practice.
Life has never been easy for me. "So what Anna! You are a single Mom now!" And I am not alone, some of my friends are too and we have to tough it away but we know we can do it and we will do it.
Here comes my mean boss.
Knock knock! "Anna!"
His voice boomed and before he could start his long winding commentary I quickly said.
"Yes, Mr. Templeton I'm almost done uploading the new contract with the new client" I kept on typing.
"Great! I want it signed and on my desk, first thing tomorrow morning" he walked back pompously giving orders to all the others.
The first time I saw him he reminded me of a bulldozer demolishing everything in its path.
He is the owner and CEO of a dozen hotels.
With his rugged masculinity women were drawn to him and though he is married he considers himself a ladies man. Tall and broad, his beady eyes shone with an aura of fierce determination and intelligence, a Roman nose and strong jawline added to his charm.
He is always seen well dressed, in his custom-made fitted suits.
My family and friends ask if he has got the hots for me or vice versa.
"Yes he is one hell of an attractive man" I say it in a most excited voice "but for me what spoils it all is all that hair tinting that makes him look so unnatural". It would be followed by their laughter.
My mother would be prompt to respond to that with one of her famous quotes. "A beautiful face and body will age and fade, but a beautiful soul remains the test of time".
"They don't make them no more Mom" and she knows I'm talking about her beloved late husband, my dad, who passed away when I was barely 16. We both miss him still. He brought so much love and happiness into our lives. I wish he was still here and sometimes I'm glad he wasn't - he would have been too grief-stricken to see my wreck of a life.
I have to live my life I know and I don't want a man to define me. I can still make my life very meaningful raising my kids - to be there for them and for my mom.
We need love to give and receive it as well. I do get plenty of that from my kids and have lots and lots of love for them to give.