Can you fall in love with a rapist?

Can you fall in love with a rapist?

Rape victim tells her story! 

After my husband passed away I never dated. My daughter was my greatest concern and I figured bringing a man into our picture wouldn't be the best thing to do.

When she started going to high school she got really busy and I had a lot of free time doing nothing. I met a man who was very much into me - or so I thought then. 

I started meeting him during day while I did my morning shopping, went jogging, a coffee at a bistro - pretty innocent stuff just chatting and getting to know each other. 

I was afraid that when my daughter got to know about this new male friend of mine she would be upset but it turned out that my daughter really liked him and she said all that she wanted was me to be happy and feel loved again. 

That's what I thought too, that I needed love and I needed someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. Not only that, I also thought a male presence in our life would do good for us womenfolk. I was so elated and hopeful that I never ever thought he would turn out to be this way.

Let me stop beating around the bush and tell you what he did to me - or what I let him do to me.

During the early days of dating he used to buy me flowers and take me out and he treated me with utter respect and never once tried to get physical. 

I felt blessed at first because he was not trying to take advantage of me. And as we went out on more dates it started to make me feel irritated as I kept on asking myself why wasn't he touching me or kissing me?

It made me feel downright ugly and rejected.

I didn't know that he was playing a game with me and dumb old me fell for it!

And so it was - I initiated our first kiss! For heaven's sake I hadn't kissed a man in years and this man was playing tease with me. It was like I had forgotten how good it feels - the rush, the vibe!

I felt whole and alive again!

We went out on more dates and there was a lot more kissing but he didn't advance beyond that and it kept nagging me. 

Late one night we were kissing inside his car, I was getting really horny and loosened up in his arms when he stopped me and asked if this was really what I wanted? 

I wanted to shout out to him Yes! Yes! but at the same time I didn't want him to think I was cheap! 

He said maybe we needed more time to think things through before we went any further with this - relationship? He was a lot more younger than me and had never been married.

I thought that maybe he was seeing someone else, someone younger and wanted to get rid of me - the old cow. 

 

 

After that I received fewer and fewer calls from him. As days passed his usual text messages stopped and he was too busy to meet even for a coffee. 

And when I couldn't take any more of it I finally called him up and said we needed to talk.

It was a weekend, I had invited him over for dinner and I had even sent my daughter away on the pretense that she could spend some time with her grandparents.

I rushed to the sound of the doorbell. It was raining a bit.

He stood there looking at me - painfully handsome.

His youthful aura filled the room, I wanted him to take me in his arms but he just gave a small peck on my cheek - I could smell his clean cologne mixed with his own natural male scent. 

We looked at each other and there was an awkward silence!

Before getting seated I asked for his raincoat and I watched his beautifully shaped manly fingers reach down the zipper - the way his shirt stretched and moved over his masculine body was so sensual. When he looked at me he must have seen the desire burning in my eyes.

When I reached to take his raincoat he grabbed me and I jumped into his arms and we both started hungrily kissing each other.

I led him into my bedroom and as we both helped each other get out of our clothes, he asked if we were doing the right thing - I silenced him with a deep kiss and forgotten were all my well reserved manners, my past and my inhibitions!

So was the well-laid dinner on the table.  

It had been so long and I was insatiable.

And as the night wore on and we were doing it for the third or fourth time. I felt rather inexperienced and shy in bed with him, after all he was so much younger than me, with a taut body and stamina to match.

 

Lying next to him I felt flabby, a bit mature and slow. I asked him how I got so lucky and he said he was the lucky one - to have got me! Cheesy as it sounds - I got flattered and fooled with the crap!

The first few nights of sex just blew my mind, lying in his arms I felt safe and  I kept telling myself that I had fallen in love again. It was a bittersweet feeling - I kept telling myself that I wasn't betraying my dead husband. That I still loved him but I had to move on with life and that I wasn't doing something bad - I cried in silence.

It was another raunchy night of hard sex and he was fast asleep from exhaustion but I just couldn't sleep so I went to the couch and tried to read a book - my mind kept drifting back to memories of my child's father.

He suddenly woke up to see me crying and tried to console me. He made me smile when he said that my tears were making him aroused. I was still smiling, thinking how amazing it was the way my body reacted in sync with this man's needs.

His hands fondled me harder than he used to and I thought he just wanted to play rough a little but it was hurting me. Before I knew what was happening he splayed me from behind and I was not fully ready to take him in - I could feel his frustration mounting.

He shoved me hard, facedown onto the bed and pounded away into me. I cried out in pain as I felt the first tear ravaging my delicate insides. I tried to stop him but my words got muffled because his arm was pressing my head down - I was finding it hard to breathe. He went on and on for minutes until finally he exploded into me, shuddered and fell onto bed, breathing hard. 

Finally he had found his release - the sick animal!

I just laid there too numb to move. I felt raw and wounded and I could smell blood. I whimpered as the slightest movement brought bouts of pain. 

I was taking in a moment trying to figure out the nature of this duplicitous beast. Before I knew it he had turned his back to me and was already asleep.

He woke up after a few hours and saw me sitting there fully dressed. He smiled and threw aside the blood stained bed covers and walked towards me, stark naked and as though, reveling, on his boldness. 

On the outset I had been fooled by his tame and friendly nature this violent animal needs to be caged. My instincts cried out telling me to get away from him.

He tried to cuddle up and caress me in the hopes of starting a conversation, I just pushed him away.

I finally found my voice "Sex is supposed to be something beautiful to be shared between two people what you just did to me made me feel downright violated" I bit my lip to stop the tears "it's violence and it hurt!"

He just stood there with a smirk on his face and it boiled me up - more!

"If this is who you really are, it's best we stopped seeing each other - you seriously need help!" I went on "why aren't you talking?"

Still seated, I carried on defending my self-worth and he just stood there wearing nothing but his stupid smile. He started playing with my hair, gently tugging it around his long fingers.

It was impossible for me to keep my focus on his face while his fully engorged member throbbed against the side of my neck. As hollow as it sounds I kept repeating that we needed to talk about what had just happened.

And before I could utter another word he squeezed my cheeks in and started kissing me, working hard with his tongue. I tried to stop him because I needed an answer but he was so skillful at his game or I was an easy prey to seduce.

I don't know why but in the end I succumbed to let him undress me and make love to me as gently as he promised he would.

Afterwards he apologized for his earlier behaviour and promised me that he would never do a thing like that ever again. 

But as you know he never kept his promise and I should have reported him

He would go on days being sickeningly sweet and then rape me. This soon became a pattern and I just knew he was seriously sick.

And today I hate myself more than I hate him because it was I, who let him abuse my body time and again.

This was the form of manipulation he used on me. At first I thought he wasn't doing any of it intentionally or maybe he wasn't aware of his actions. My instincts screamed to get away from him but as life went on I couldn't fight off my self-doubts - I kept on falling for his cheap tricks played on my weak heart.

All my life I have always been considered a sensible person - a bit of a perfectionist to some. And I knew it would be hard for people who had known me to believe that I would let myself fall for such a person.

Yes crazy as it sounds I was in love with this man who feeds me with thick love and then rapes me once in a while.

Only I would know how much I fought within to set myself free from these chains - I really tried so-so-so very hard to escape and push him away from my life.

It wasn't just my life - it was my daughter's life too. Though I never shared any of it with my daughter she was concerned with my mood swings.

There were times when I felt that I could not take it no more - yes, I even thought of ending my life because I couldn't make him leave me nor could I stop having sex with him.

I even believed he needed me too - I know it defies common sense.

Call me sick - call me desperate because that's exactly what I was and I lived in this darkness for another year.

I watched my life fall to pieces all around me - I was so behind my work that my boss had even talked about a replacement.

My daughter's grandparents had found out about me and him - they had grown distant.

My daughter's education dwindled and I blamed myself for it all.

That's when I told him he needs to leave my life for good.

I finally decided to go for therapy. 

I have to admit it that it took loads of time for me to firmly refuse his seduction games.

Through Therapy, I learned that I should stand my ground and to keep on refusing him.

I tried to talk to him to take therapy but he refused to believe he had a problem.

And he finally admitted that he didn't want to stop what he did. 

Thanks to therapy - I had finally found the courage to rebuild my life and my relations with people who mattered to me most. It took time to rebuild the trust but it's happening.

He is no longer in my life but he still plays all sorts of cheap tricks to check if I would relapse and let myself be a victim - NO! Never again! And no woman should ever say yes to rape or stay silent with rape!

There are lots of women organizations around who would gladly help - just make sure it's government registered - like the one I had reported about him to!

I was a fool, a pervert, sicko, bimbo call me whatever but believe me - every day is a new chance for you to change - and I have left behind all that had happened to me!

And now that I have forgiven myself - even with all my wounds, I can finally stand tall today and so can you!

Lots of Love

xoxo 

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