Well when I was a child I lived in a drowned world and whenever I looked up I always saw the sun with a garish turquoise halo around it.
I wasn’t living underwater. I lived in my uncle’s house, from my father’s side. My father left me and my Mother when I had just turned 9.
My Mother and Uncle fought all day because he wanted us to pay him for living in his house. She promised we would stay there until she found work.
She said she wanted me to go back to school but my Uncle refused to let us live if I went to school. He said that girls needed no schooling and that we were only good at keeping house.
Soon my Mum went to work and she told me she would find a nice place for us. But she never kept her word - she ran away, leaving me stranded with the monster.
Trembling - I used to say a small prayer during day and but not at night - because it's the dark that I was terrified of - I just go numb with fear. And it's after dark the night crawler visited my room and did the unspeakable. I was still a 9 year old child when he raped - I almost bled to death. He must have been in his fifties.
I had nowhere to go. He kept me locked in. I kept on praying that my mother would come back for me.
It was a run down seedy neighbourhood, where nobody cared about another. A little girl’s life or being raped meant nothing to them. It was no different from a rich town - they don't care either.
After two whole years of rape and violence and hunger, I finally escaped through the attic. I ran and ran and ran for my life. I was lost and walking when a pier came into view. I saw lots of people going aboard a ferry boat.
I thought I had found a fortress.
I begged the crew and passengers to help me but they all figured I was just an urchin trying to get some money. So they just threw me back into the streets.
I lived off in the streets.
I was abused by a lot of people. Mothers who wouldn’t even share their leftover food. Fathers spat into my begging hands. Teenagers who tried to gangrape me and beat me up, police officers who saved me and then went on to butt-rape me.
And today at 21, I am a criminal convicted of dealing drugs and being part of a prostitution ring.
I have nobody to blame.
People have always found it hard to understand me and my dead silence. They have no clue about the voices inside my head.
Until today I have not talked to nobody about him. And I don't want to lest somebody might know about him and I never want to see his ugly face. Cause if I ever see him he would be good as dead.
My mother lives with another man raising their kids. My father has vanished from the face of the earth.
I am just glad to be alive and I can take it being called a retard and I have no choice other than to let people use me. I am nothing more than a dead soul among the living.
I will be well into my 40's when I finally get free but what has happened to me in my childhood will always haunt me.
I am still very afraid of the dark and I can never trust people especially men.
I have been in disastrous situations and I know my life will always be messed up.
You offered me a journey towards healing, to forgive myself and for those who had done me wrong.
And you said like everyone else I deserve a chance at life.
From the diary of a healing rape victim.