Can you fall in love with the person who raped you?

Can you fall in love with the person who raped you?

Rape victim tells her story!

I was in my late 30's, a mother of a great daughter and in a relationship with the most gruesome narcissist on earth. 

I still work at the same financial institution, as a Risk Manager and I really love what I do. I support my daughter's education and she is in college right now. 

My daughter is all I have, her father died of cancer when she was barely 5 years old. He was my high school sweetheart and we both had a healthy and understanding relationship. He was too young to die and I have never really recovered from the loss - I don't think I ever will.  

Raising a child alone is hard work, there's a lot of compromising and sacrifices. But I promised myself that I will not let my child go through what I had to as a child; my parents divorced when I was 10 and my mother took all the wrath on me. Not to mention her sister who lived in with us was just as unkind.

I grew up rather lonely and I had to work at a very young age to support my studies. I couldn't wait to run away from the abusive and miserable life I led.

And when I got married to the man I loved I felt so blessed and he had really loving parents, they considered me as one of them.

Two years into our marriage and I was pregnant and we were so overjoyed. Those were such happy times.

But soon after he had to leave our lives and went up to heaven. I lived with my daughter and my husband's parents after he died but we soon found a place of our own.

I used to tell myself that I was just unlucky or maybe that I was cursed and stupid - like my mother always used to tell me. It's as if bad luck just followed me.

4 years ago I met a man and stupid old me got involved with him. We met in a hospital while I was bedridden with a bad case of gastritis. He worked as a male nurse and he was the kindest and gentlest soul I ever knew. He took such good care of me and soon we became really good friends.

After my husband passed away I had never dated. My daughter was my greatest concern and I figured bringing a man into our picture wouldn't be the best thing to do.

But it turned out that my daughter really liked him and she said all that she wanted was me to be happy and feel loved again. 

That's what I thought too, that I needed love and I needed someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. Not only that, I also thought a male presence in our house would do good for us womenfolk. I was so elated and hopeful that I never ever thought he would turn out to be this way.

Let me stop beating around the bush and tell you what he did to me - or what I let him do to me.

During the early days of dating he used to buy me flowers and take me out and he treated me with utter respect and never once tried to get physical. 

I felt blessed at first because he was not trying to take advantage of me. And as we went out on more dates it started to make me feel like kind of irritated as I kept asking myself why wasn't he touching me or kissing me? It made me feel downright ugly and rejected.

And so it was I who initiated our first kiss and it was slow and long. I hadn't kissed a man in years and I had forgotten how good it feels - the rush, the vibe! I felt whole and alive again. 

I was getting loosened up in his arms when he stopped and asked if this was really what I wanted - I wanted to shout out Yes! Yes!. But at the same time I didn't want him to think I was cheap! So instead all I said to him was that yeah maybe we needed more time to think things through before we went any deeper and he was most understanding.

That's when things started to change!

I would be excited all day because he was taking me out and then at the very last minute he would call or text to say he had to go to the hospital.

He would call me from the hospital - either there was always a shortage of nurses or it was an emergency or someone had called in sick.

Soon I started missing him like crazy and waited for his calls, sweet messages, long convos, his company and his boyish presence.

I had thoughts that he was seeing someone else, someone younger and wanted to get rid of me - the old cow. 

Ands When I couldn't take no more of it  I finally called him up and said we needed to talk. It was a weekend, I had invited him over for dinner and I even sent my daughter away, to spend some time with her grandparents. 

I rushed to the sound of the doorbell.

He stood there looking at me - painfully handsome.

His youthful aura filled the room, I wanted him to take me in his arms but he just pecked on my cheek! I could smell his clean cologne on leather. 

There was an awkward silence!

Before getting seated I asked for his leather jacket and I watched his beautifully shaped manly fingers reach down the zipper - the way his shirt stretched and moved over his masculine body was so sensual. When he looked at me he must have seen the desire burning in my eyes.

When he reached for me I jumped into his arms and we both started hungrily kissing each other. I led him into my bedroom and as we both helped each other get out of our clothes, he asked if we were doing the right thing - I silenced him with a deep kiss and forgotten were all my well reserved manners, my past and my inhibitions!

So was the well-laid dinner on the table.  

It had been so long and I was insatiable.

And as the night wore on and we were doing it for the third or fourth time I felt rather inexperienced and shy in bed with him. After all he was younger than me, with a taut body and stamina to match.

 

Lying next to him I felt flabby, a bit mature and slow. I asked him how I got so lucky and he said he was the lucky one - to have got me! Cheesy as it sounds - I got flattered and fooled with the crap!

The first few nights of sex just blew my mind, lying in his arms I felt safe and  I kept telling myself that I have fallen in love again. It was a bittersweet feeling - I kept telling myself that I wasn't betraying my dead husband. That I still loved him but I had to move on with life and that I wasn't doing something bad - I cried in silence.

He had fallen asleep but I just couldn't so I went to the couch and tried to read a book but my mind kept drifting back to memories of my child's father.

He suddenly woke up to see me crying and tried to console me. He made me smile when he said that my tears were making him aroused. I was still smiling thinking how amazing it was the way my body reacted in sync with his need.

His hands fondled me harder than he used to and I thought he just wanted to play rough a little but it was hurting me. Before I knew what was happening he splayed me from behind and I was not fully ready to take him in - I could feel his frustration mounting.

He shoved me hard, facedown onto the bed and pounded away into me. I cried out in pain as I felt the first tear ravaging my delicate insides. I tried to stop him but my words got muffled because his arm was pressing my head down - I was finding it hard to breathe. He went on and on for minutes until finally he exploded into me, shuddered and fell onto bed, breathing hard. 

Finally he had found his release - the sick animal!

I just laid there too numb to move. I felt raw and wounded and I could smell blood. I whimpered as the slightest movement brought bouts of pain. 

I was taking in a moment trying to figure out the nature of this duplicitous beast. Before I knew it he had turned his back to me and was already asleep.

He woke up after a few hours and saw me sitting there fully dressed. He smiled and threw aside the blood stained bed covers and walked towards me, stark naked and as though, reveling, on his boldness. 

On the outset you might see him as tame and friendly but this violent animal in bed was telling me to get away from him.

He tried to cuddle up and caress me in the hope of starting a conversation, I just nudged his hand away.

I finally found my voice "Sex is supposed to be something beautiful to be shared between two people -  and it's not a porn movie!!! - what you just did made me feel downright violated".

He just stood there with a smirk on his face and it boiled me up - more!

"If this is who you really are, it's best we stopped seeing each other!" I went on "why aren't you talking?"

Still seated, I carried on defending my self-worth and he just stood there wearing nothing but his stupid smile. He started playing with my hair, gently tugging it around his long fingers.

It was impossible for me to keep my focus on his face while his fully engorged member throbbed against the side of my neck. As hollow as it sounded I kept repeating that we needed to talk about what had just happened.

And before I could utter another word he squeezed my cheeks in and started kissing me, working hard with his tongue. I tried to stop him because I needed an answer but he was so skillful at his game or I was an easy prey to seduce.

I don't know why but in the end I succumbed to let him undress me and make love to me as gently as he promised he would.

Afterwards he apologized for his earlier behaviour and promised me that he would never do a thing like that ever again. 

But as you know he never kept his promise. And today I hate myself more than I hate him because it was I, who let him abuse my body time and again.

He would go on days being sickeningly sweet and then rape me. This soon became a pattern and I just knew he was seriously sick.

This was a form of manipulation he used on me. At first I thought he wasn't doing any of it intentionally or maybe he wasn't aware of his actions. My instincts screamed to get away from him but as life went on I couldn't fight off my self-doubts - I kept on falling for his cheap tricks played on my weak heart.

All my life I have always been considered a sensible person - a bit of a perfectionist to some. And I knew it would be hard for people who had known me to believe that I would let myself fall for such a person. Yes crazy as it sounds I was in love with this man who feeds me with thick love and then rapes me once in a while.

Only I would know how much I fought within to set myself free from these chains - I really tried so-so-so very hard to escape and push him away from my life. It wasn't just my life - it was my daughter's life too. Though I never shared any of it with my daughter she was concerned with my mood swings.

There were times when I felt that I could not take it no more - yes, I even thought of ending my life because I couldn't make him leave me nor could I stop having sex with him. I even believed he needed me too - it defied common sense.

Call me sick - call me desperate because that's exactly what I was and I lived in this darkness for another year. I watched my life fall to pieces all around me - I was so behind my work that my boss had even talked about a replacement, my daughter's grandparents had grown distant and my daughter's education dwindled.

I finally decided to go for therapy and I tried to talk to him to come with me but he refused to believe he had a problem.

I have to admit it that it took loads of time for me to firmly refuse his seduction games.

Through Therapy, I learned that I should stand my ground and to keep on questioning him until he answers. And he finally admitted that he didn't want to stop what he did. That's when I told him he needs to leave my life for good.

I had finally found the courage to rebuild my life and my relations with people who mattered most to me. It took time to rebuild the trust but it's happening.

He is no longer in my life but he still plays all sorts of cheap tricks to check if I would relapse and let myself be a victim - NO! Never again! And no woman should ever say yes to rape! Stay silent with rape!

There are lots of women organizations around who would gladly help you - just make sure it's government registered - like the one I had reported about him to!

I was a fool, a pervert, sicko, bimbo call me whatever but believe me - every day is a new chance for you to change - and I have left behind all that had happened to me!

And now that I have forgiven myself - even with all my wounds, I can finally stand tall today and so can you!

Lots of xoxo 

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